Couples generally request therapy when they feel there are issues between them that they can’t agree upon. Often these issues are persistent and seem intractable. Each partner sees themselves as “in the right” and finds it impossible to see the problem from the perspective of the other.
Most couples arrive at the therapist’s office thinking they need to work on one particular problem or series of problems. However, couples therapy is far more than a means of working out disagreements. If both parties are willing, this unique type of treatment allows partners to arrive at a healthier way of interacting that leads to far better communication and a deeper, more satisfying level of connection.
Often, small adjustments in the way we interact with each other can make an enormous difference. Remaining curious about your partner, no matter how long you have been together, is one of the keys to a satisfying relationship.
One married couple in their mid-40s began therapy after sensing there was a problem but could not determine exactly what it was. Both partners in this couple felt unheard and invisible to the other. Though both wanted to connect, they found it impossible.
From the start, it was clear that social media and texting had become more than a bit of an obsession with both partners (something I see frequently, that is also, among many other things, a sure-fire deterrent to intimacy). I suggested a moratorium on all social media and phones, beginning from dinnertime forward.
I asked that the couple try an exercise as they cooked together, another activity they rarely shared. I asked that they make a game of discovering one thing about their partner that they hadn’t known before.
Once they allowed themselves to become curious, playful, and to actively listen, really listen, to what their partner said — without the distraction of devices — they were surprised to find themselves amused and actually having fun, something they also had not experienced in quite some time.
I’m often asked, how do we know if we should consider couples therapy? My response: If you are having difficulty communicating, have lost a desire for intimacy, find yourselves over-involved in the lives of your children with little time spent on yourselves, or feel that the emotional connection you once shared is missing, couples therapy is a wise choice.
Another couple in their 60s described drifting away from each other and often finding themselves irritated and angry with their partner. I asked them to try something seemingly very small: When one partner expressed interest in something, the other would experiment by demonstrating interest, genuine interest, in whatever their partner was engaged with at that moment. This was a stretch for the couple, as both had gotten into the habit, as many couples do over time, of ignoring, or at least not truly focusing, on what their partner was saying.
When the couple allowed themselves to become interested in whatever the other found interesting, to wonder with them, they discovered a shift in their relationship. Within a few months, they described feeling closer to their partner than they had in a long time.
One thing is clear, it’s not “what” the issue is but “how” partners speak and listen to each other as they confront it.
World-renowned couples experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman advocate this type of “turning toward your partner,” expressing interest, curiosity and acknowledgment even on small, inconsequential topics, as one among many ways to build a healthier relationship.
Dr. Harry Stack Sullivan, whose work we discussed in my last column, believed, as I do, that only in the context of relationships do we heal and grow. If we are willing to truly listen to our partners, demonstrate curiosity about their world, and turn ever toward them in a positive way, we can begin to build a better, stronger, more joyful partnership.
Lisa Wolf, MSW, LCSW, holds a Master of Science from Columbia University and a Bachelor of Arts from the University of California, Berkeley. She is a practicing psychotherapist with offices in Bridgehampton and Manhattan. Her website is lisawolftherapy.com.
The contents of this column are for informational purposes only. Nothing found in this column is a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, treatment or professional psychotherapy. If you are in crisis or experiencing suicidal thoughts, call 911 immediately.
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